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The whys and wherefores of these emotional states need explanation to me in a scientific style.

I have been a bit of a recluse and not because I really wish to be, an outsider but I cannot keep my cool lately.

I am wishing to be an imperturbable type of person for once in my lifetime. I am lacking control in my life (in a sense) and I cannot take my imperious mind.

I currently have a black and white hairy mold growing on a 3x2 area of my main dwellings. My grandfather believes in home repair by himself before a professional; to save money he would rather do home repairs than pay someone to come out. Last week I noted the ceiling leaking in the hallway causing a giant wet spot. I told my grandmother and grandfather so they could take care of this leak of who knows what. The air conditioning unit was leaking due to my grandfathers many repairs to it in the previous summer weeks.

Last summer I had a problem with the metal desk I bought from Ikea and my (later found out had a short somewhere in the tower) desktop computer. I was being shocked by my desk and undergoing weeks of electrical current flowing through the desk into me (I figured I was just nuts until the cable guy told us it was submitting a considerable amount). I had to put down two sheets of plastic carpeting to move all of my electrical appliances to for safety and static reasons and move my bed and self to the other side of the room where the high electrical current, remained. After buying a new IBOOK and keeping my electrical things away from many spills, I figured everything was fine. I had begun to smell a musky scent in the area next to my futon. I assumed it was the towel from my shower that day and I removed the towel and put it in the wash. The smell remained into the next day and I decided to clean up that area of carpeting with method wipes. The smell was still in the air and began to get stronger the next day. I went to sleep the following night and awoke after 3-4 hours of rest by my inability to breathe. My air passages were closing up, I was wheezing, smokers style coughing, earaches, and a runny nose worse than my usual allergen type sniffles.

I went outside for a bit and returned to my room to investigate under the plastic. I thought just maybe since my wall is right next to the hot water heater and air conditioning unit quite possibly it could have began to leak into my room as well as the hallway. I was correct and I was more correct than I wished to know. I lifted up the plastic and began to cough and choke on the piss poor air quality. I had to move the sewing machine and dresser, which are both from 1900-1920 era and weigh a billion pounds because of their antique shite wood!

I had to cut off the plastic because the dresser was too huge for me to move but a few feet. I saw white hairy mold, black fur ball mold, and mushrooms (I lie…I just really wanted to see shrooms growing out of the carpet)! I could not breathe so I had to get out of the house. My grandparents have not been taking me seriously, about the mold (they still do not see the problem with this)! My dad thought the air quality was bad before the mold even came (I do agree that it is too humid in this house) but he got a sore throat last night and understood why I left to stay at Lauren's Sunday night.

My grandparents decided to get rid of the carpet in my room and replace it with the ugly pink carpeting the rest of the house has. Home depot is trying to track down this specific pink to match my room, then they have to come out and measure it, then when they find time… they will come replace the carpeting. Nobody is cleaning up the damn mold! We paid someone to come out here… and make the air breathable, on Monday. They charged my grandparents 110.00 to tell us to spray vinegar and water in the air and onto the mold. HE DID NOT EVEN CLEAN IT UP! My room still smells, it is hard to breathe in the house and I currently have nowhere to stay. I have been in such a mood that near not everyone I know & love I can stand to be around. It is a problem with being close to people resurfacing again.

I used to not let people close to me until I got so sick it was hard not to let people know I was not feeling well and had not felt well in a long time. I never wanted anyone to know I was sick, I know how different people become once they know you have a sickness/illness/disease. People treat you differently and not in a positive way. I have lost a decent amount of friends since I have been severely ill. People do not want to worry so it is easy to push someone away and not deal with the worry, hurt or disappointment. They treat you as if you are a feeble child and try to do things you can do, causing the sick person to become more weak and lazy or depressed. Their eyes look at you as if they are trying to find your soul or an answer to why you look that way. It is a look I sometimes I cannot bare. They do not invite you to places or leave you out of plans because they do not think you can physically go and do whatever thing it may be. The point is I never wanted people to get inside me or me to burden them with my issues. The presuppositions of my fears (involving other people socially) involve my past and what I have endured. I never liked being alone for a LONG period and I would be safe to speculate I have abandonment issues. I have not ever enjoyed speaking about myself outside of my opinion on something asked or advice asked from others to me. I always wrote I depended on my writing to cure me of any emotion, to get me out of reality and into the pen and paper world of contentment.

I feared the moments I had in the past that involved me opening up, sharing my fears, emotions, and life with others only receiving a vocalized three words or ignoring whatever it was I would say.

I wish to not write any more … right now… take care xanga…

I am in a mood I cannot explain… there are not many friends… anymore… and some of them treat me in a way I cannot stand or possibly convey why I cannot stand them…

I am like a pressure cooker…

I am longing for someone… someone I believe I cannot have… not even as a friend… sometimes I believe that

They treated me with such respect, trust, kindness, and tried to understand everything about me. I know I could see them, talk to them, and am their best friend again… but I do not believe I deserve them. I do not believe they should forgive me for what I have done in the past. I understand the fact that I grew so much from those horrible times. I comport with such trust and understanding towards people. I know I contradict myself by stating that after stating my current emotional status. It is not that I distrust the people in my life but that I trust them more than I ever have and that creates an emotional distraught state of affairs.

Like I said earlier… I cannot write right now. In addition, I wish to state I cannot write on xanga right now. I really mean it this time. Goodnight.